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My Body
My body is disgusting. I hate it with a passion. I feel like i royally messed it up. I have bumps on my arm, which i just recently learned is an untreatable skin condition. i am fat. i gained 20 lbs while in college and gained it so fast that now i have stretch marks all over my stomach. if i were to ever lose the weight, i will still never be happy with the way i look because of those damn stretch marks. it is disgusting. i want a new body. i want to start over.
i know
yeah i know im just a typical teenager in a big city, but i have this big issue, i never solve the problems i have they sorta build up, like this one, my boyfriend. He has been my bf for 8 months and idk its kinda ridiculous, the fact is if i were to end it, it would be simply for the sake of finally ending it, i mean i cant say im not a little curious about other guys. But i still love him so much, i dont wanna hurt him and i know i will, i know ill be the one to break his heart. It sucks knowing that and going through your day with it hanging on you like wet clothing. so anyway, there are a few guys that sort of let on they like me or are attracted to me whatever... and idk it just makes me feel like there are so many other people i have options with, its not those ppl specifically, just the prospect that they're open. My bf thinks otherwise tho, he thinks its possible i have a crush on this other guy, when really its the other way around and he shouldn't be mad at me. This guy is so sweet tho, he wrote me a song, just wrote it while he was looking at me playing guitar and its really good. He's so nice to me, but sometimes i just feel like he's acting like that to get points with me or something. i hate it when guys think like that, but i also kinda love it. anyway basically i have to make a really hard choice. do i pick my bf, his money, his house, his romance, and the friends we have together? or do i rely on the fact that maybe it wont be horribly awkward and ill be able to hang out with them like always, just for the possibility that ill be having more fun?
I'm sorry
I have looked at bad, inappropriate things and I need to stop and i'm sorry.
In Love
i am in love with a slovakian guy. he works a few doors down from where i live. so far i have found out his name, his language, i overheard him once say i liked hockey, he drives a green car. i look out the window about ten times a day between 6 and 12, because those are his working hours, apart from tuesday and thursday which he has off. i carry around a small piece of paper with my phone number and email address on it, in case i ever get brave enough to talk to him. so far i have said hello" in the two years that he has been around. i am so tired of this
I dated a law student
I'm 25 and just this past September I let someone get close to me for the first time. She kept our relationship a secret and when it was over, she told me that she loved me, but admitted to me that the reason we were a secret was because she wanted other guys in law school to fawn over her so she could be popular. She treated me terribly and never felt guilty about it. I am ashamed to write it, but I think it's the most a person could ever love me. I don't think I can ever trust another person again.
no one to help
I'm screaming. Waiting. For you to see how lonely i feel. The pain bestowed upon me. I keep crying for your help. Can't you see I'm drowning? In a pool of my own sorrows, Of MY own pain. Yet you keep filling up the pool with your problems and your anxieties. Why can't you see that I can barely handle my problems? yet you add your own. So I'm left all alone to drown. I've given up calling for help, cause help never arrives. No one was ever there when I needed it, and no one will ever be.
In love with the pizza delivery guy
I am a 34 year old woman with a teenage crush on a pizza delivery guy. What is wrong with me?
I Don't Know
I put on a facade that I am extremely happy. In reality, I am only somewhat happy. I do have great friends and a great family. But I cannot find a boyfriend. Something is wrong with me. Its not even like I am hideous or smell or am bald or something. I am decent looking, I think. A chance for a relationship seems to come along once every year or so for me, but something always goes wrong. I cant talk to anyone about it, they dont understand.
lonely 4 life
on the same night my ex came over to tell me she has a new boyfriend and my perfect girl turned me down. im so lonely im going for a walk.
Her parents..
My girlfriends parents are moving to our city. She's really excited but I'm extremely annoyed. Why did they have to pick the city we live in when she has 4 other siblings who live in 4 different cities? They're old and annoying and I have to pretend to tolerate them. They complain about everything and ask the same question like 10 times. If they start visiting everday I'm breaking up with her and moving out.
I have not talked to my mother in 3 months because she is ignoring me and is only paying attention to her new family.
Broken heart, broken life
Ever since the breakup, I have no life. I eat, cry, sleep ... wake up the next day and do the same thing.
My love/hate crush
I am in love with my roommate but I can't have him. I hate him because being around each other constantly makes me yearn for him more and I just get depressed more and more each successive time that I inevitably get disappointed.
Get the hair out of your ears!
When I was a kid, (around 3 to 5) I would grab my moms or my sisters hair, whoever I seemed to be around at the time and stuck it in my ear. I enjoyed the ticklish feeling. Then I got to an age where I couldn't do that anymore, so I would grow my hair out so I could grab my own hair behind the ear lobe and stick it in my ear. Then I started cutting my hair short. So now I just pull out a single hair, stick it in my ear and roll it through my fingers to make it vibrate a little. I do it when I am sad, depressed, nervous and any other negative type emotion. The feeling helps me relax I think...
jealousy over things I can't help
When ever I see an asian woman with a white guy I secretly can't stand the sight! I have asian girl friends who date white guys and I put on the best show of tolerance and happiness for them. But deep down inside I think of the white guys are pathetic for this as if asian women are some new trend or arm candy. I know deep down inside it's because I'm jealous of asians interested in whites... and wonder if an asian man will ever be interested in me... a girl from the carribean...Pathetic.
End of the line
if i never have children, i hope i die before my parents. otherwise there will be no one to place a stone on my grave and it will be as if i never existed... a confirmation of how i already feel.
Over Analyzing?
so i just found out that my boyfriend's ex and her brother, who was his best friend back in the country where he grew up (before moving here when he was 16) share the same birthday as my sister and my mom. i've always thought that it was unfair to his ex that he was forced to move here and when he met me, i felt as if i became another barrier to their relationship even though they broke up a good two years before we met. i never found out much about his life back then because i was afraid that i might find out things that would make me feel very insecure. i have a gut feeling that his ex was his great love (everyone's gotta have one unforgettable love right?) and i can never be loved as much as she was. i must confess that my love for him is unaltered even after thoughts (of which were my own) that i am not the one he loved the most. in fact at most times i feel like i am another barrier separating him and her. i love him so much but these crazy thoughts are seriously screwing with me. maybe i'm over analyzing it too much. he has been a WONDERFUL boyfriend to say the least. we've been together for almost 3 years and our families have met. marriage is on the cards. everything is just perfect. on the surface. i have this crazy crazy feeling that i'm not really the one he loves the most even though he has told me countless of times that i am the best he's ever had. but come on, ALL my boyfriends say that. it's not even counted anymore. haha. guys just say anything to make a girl feel good. even if it's a lie. and every time my sister and my mom celebrates a birthday, i am reminded of this life he once had and the people he loved whom he left years ago. i feel like i am the third party even though i am the girlfriend right now. this is insane isnt it? it's 4am and this is running through my head. is anyone even reading this? god. i need to get out. i need someone to slap me silly.
I'm really a very lonely and emotional person. I like to make fun of people like that, call them pathetic and tell them to get real lives rather than sit around and mope, but I do the same thing. Right now, I've just been sitting and staring off into space for about an hour and a half. I do it a lot, especially when I'm about to go to sleep. I think about how I'll never have a wife or even a best friend. I've never had either. I'm 21 and I have no real friends, I don't talk to other people, and I just live my life. I feel like I'm the only person in the world and it keeps me up at night. When ever I really, honestly think about it, my body just gets so heavy, if that makes any sense. It seizes up and my chest contracts, almost painfully. I don't really know what it is but it happens a lot. I hate people like myself, though. The type of person who lives this kind of life and does nothing about it. I'm proud to say I don't complain about being alone or miserable, though. It's really the only part of my personality that I like. I don't want to be a burden to others. Telling them or unloading my problems onto them will only make me more pathetic. I don't like feeling this way, yet I continue to foster the way my life is going. Several years ago, when I was around 17, I sat down with myself and came to the conclusion that I will most likely die alone and without anyone to morn me. Probably from heart failure in my forties or something like that. Now, four years down the line, I find myself wanting to to happen sooner. The only thing that keeps me around is the guilt of knowing what it would do to my parents. When they are gone, will I care anymore? I really don't know, but I also finding myself waiting for that to happen. When I don't have any more emotional attachments. Anyway, don't be like me. That's all I can say.