I hate myself
I hate myself so much for still loving my ex after all this time. I am using food to hurt myself. I've gained almost 100 lbs in 5 years. This keeps men from being attracted to me and allows me to wallow in self-loathing. I decided today that I really don't want to do this any more, and that maybe, just maybe, I can learn to like myself all over.
Love or studies?
I love my boyfriend, or so i think. I truly believe i do, even if it isn't love, its something strong that i feel. However, im just scared about the future. We'll both be going to university soon and he keeps on bringing me down when we mention it, as we both realize that i will be hard for us to stay together during this period. I promised him we'd stay together. However, now looking back, i dont think I can promise that... is it impossible to look into the future?
I started playing Eragon on xbox 360 today at like 7:00 am and waited for some people to come to my house. It was at like 5:30 pm when I finished the game and realized I had all of the achievements. I don't know why I played through so much of the game, I didn't even care about the achievements after like 10 minutes, but some strong outside force compelled me to sit through one lousy level and generic story cutscene after another. I felt violated and immediatly took a shower when it was over, but it didn't help in the long run because it's still on my gamercard.
Hit a Parked Car
I accidentally hit a parked car while I was trying to park today. I felt like a total idiot. I got out and checked the bumper of the other car and there was absolutely NO damage. However, I am absolutely terrified that someone may have seen me do it and called the cops. Now I am terrified that the cops will come and arrest me.
I am sorry I said that she was the worst clarinet player; I'm especially sorry I said it to YOU. As soon as I said it, I knew that you would just run right up to her as soon as you could to tell her what I said. She's nasty enough as it is, now she'll be even worse. What you DON'T know is that I heard she said that you were the worst player, and that she was better than you, and should have your spot. Some friend, huh?
I suppose we all need to grow up. This is more like middle school than college. I'm sorry I said it, she's probably a nice person when she's not so insecure. But I'm still mad that you went and told her.
I just need to get it out
Dear best friend:
You are SO bad at being supportive and encouraging. Or maybe I'm just SO good at hiding how much your opinion matters. I shut up because I know you are living such difficult times right now, so I agree to make it all about you. But in the meantime, your silence hurts me and makes me cry when we discuss me. I won't ever tell you for real, but I ache to get it out.
The only time I feel alive is when my heart is breaking.
I look for heartbreak, because it's the only time I can cry, or feel anything. I will do anything to be crushed by a guy so I can JUST. FEEL. Otherwise, I am so numb to the world. Nothing hurts, nothing scars. Nothing makes me care. I just want to feel.
I deserve better
I know that we are supposed to love each other. We've been together three and a half years. But on Wednesday I'm going out with another guy. I wish YOU would take me out and fufill me needs, But I'm starting to wonder if you ever will. You never show up on time anytime we meet up and you come over smelling gross because you haven't brushed your teeth or showered. Its sooo gross its to the point where I don't even wanna be with you. On top of that you always expect money for food, and if I don't buy it for you, you complain like its my fault. I try to tell you these things nicely and then you say mean things like see I told you we're not right for each other." Its not fair how you never have any money or even a phone where I can reach you. Its not fair how you never help me and my mom out. She works two jobs and goes to school and you can't even work one. I'm tired of paying for everything for you including your school which cost
me three thousand dollars (which you failed by the way). I
know you love me but this needs to stop. And until it does I'm gonna see what else is out there because I deserve better. "
I know she's not the one for me, but I still want her anyway.
Single, now what?
I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like I had to date other people. Now I am once again depressed about my hair and body, and for some reason this guy that's in a relationship is flirting with me (I think) and I don't regret breaking up, but this is all so new to me and I don't feel like I have any respect
It was me
I have a love/hate relationship with one of my best friends. She is a sweet girl when she is not being nasty to people. She looks down to other people and is constantly saying hurtful things about people she dislikes. So one day, she was drunk at a house party and she wouldn't stop calling me and bugging me to come join her. I said no, she'd call five minutes later. My phone was ringing off the hook because she kept calling until I pick up. I was getting real pissed off so I picked up the phone, asked her for the address of the house. I hung up the phone, called 911 and reported her for underage drinking. She got an MIP charge as a result and had to pay a fine. Serves her right.
The boyfriend's mom
My boyfriend's mom is a sweet lady, except for her annoying habit of sending LONG emails (two pages or more) about updates in her life, what she did this weekend, etc. She sent the long emails to everyone on her address book. I finally decided enough is enough -- I am not going to take this anymore so I went online and signed her up on every e-newsletter and junk mail I can get my hands on. I know she is a very conservative woman so I made sure to subscribe her to sites she would find offensive. Lesson of the day:
You mess with fire, you get BURNED, lady!!
it's like someone told me
for as long as I can remember I have known i will die before I am 30. I just turned 20 years old a few days ago and on the day of my birthday i was drilling with my National Guard unit. That same day they told me I will be going to Iraq. Not that I want to die, but I think I will never see the united states of america again after I leave on deployment.
that said, i have started writing letters to everyone that is important to me in my life. maybe that is naive of me.
Love a different woman
I'm married, but I love someone from my high school days. We were good friends, but then got pissed off at each other and didn't talk for years. After we both got married, we got back in touch and we're good friends again, but I seriously regret the years we were apart. We lived in different cities in high school (about 4 hours apart), so we never had a romantic relationship, but I really do love her, and always have. I also love my wife though, so I can't endanger my marriage with a relationship, and I'm not even sure she feels the same way. *sigh* Sometimes life can be cruel.
What's wrong with me?
i always seem to be attracted to people i really shouldn't go after. most often someone a friend likes as well or worse, someone an ex might have known. i'm not stupid, it's blatantly obvious that the reason i'm doing this is because i know i shouldn't. it's not that i don't have feelings for these people, i just think they get exaggerated because of the heightened risk in the situation. i just spent the night with someone that would probably ruin my friendship with both a friend and an ex. i know i feel terrible today, but sooner or later that will fade and i'm afraid i'm going to do it again. i wish i knew how to stop myself or why i do the things i do. this pattern shows up in all parts of my life in one form or another. i seem to always be deceiving, and in the end hurting the ones i love. i wonder how many people around me i will have to lose before i learn from my mistakes.
Is love that hard to find?
I am 27 yrs old and unfortunately for me I never had a boyfriend in my life. I am pressured by time, my family and friends and I don't know what to say to them. I really hope and pray that God has plans for me and I hope i'm not destined to die without experiencing romantic love. I have been in love a few times but the love is never reciprocated. I have fallen in love with a co-worker and I felt he somehow has feelings for me too. He teases me alot, I sometimes caught him looking at me through a tiny window at the office. He always make sure we had breakfast at the same time. but it never developed into something until I left the company. I really doubted myself if my assumption was right about him having feelings for me. He never pursued me and I came to believe that everything has no meaning at all, the stares, the touches, the laughs...I felt I was never worthy of him, I can't measure up to his standards and this made me
afraid of not having to be loved or find love again..in
my heart I still hope for love and I hope it won't be too late for me...
A Letter From Sasha
Xander, I am writing you a letter out of sincere concern for the fact that you are driving me crazy. I love you very much, and have tried and hopefully succeeded in many ways to pledge and abide by that love. I have gone out of my way helplessly to increase and maintain my love and respect for you. I know I have made mistakes in this relationship, and I hearbye admit that those mistakes where mine and mine alone. I have a selfish side that can come out and also my moods differ greatly depending on stress.
I really love you Xander. I remember when I waited anxiously all day thinking of nothing else but getting a phone call from you. You where my everything and I was willing to travel to the ends of the earth and back just to see you. But Xander, you have screwed up royally. I can't even begin to find the words to describe how messy our lives together have gotten. And in reality most people dealing with this type of stuff are like, almost ten years older than me.
Look, a lot of it has to do with hypocritical stuff you pulled. Random stupidness that was selfish and stingy that's the stuff that I can eventually grow to forgive. But there were other things. Things that weren't just superficial. Or maybe; One thing in particular. You told me you were in love with another person, for almost a whole two years.
You claim that your reason for doing this was a complete class act of revenge upon my infidelity. Well, if this is true you probably wanted me to manifest negative emotions.
Possibly the same way you yourself may have been feeling should this be true. Fear, Jealousy, Sadness, Envy, Regret, The list goes on and on. But in my greatest honesty I felt no such thing. Yes sadness came much later to date. But first I did what I seem to do best in this world. I sat. Yes, I did a lot of thinking. After I sat, and while I sat. I both sat, and thought for a very, very long time.
Most of your average juvenile teens around here would have probably looked about this the wrong way. They would develop some strange way of hating this other girl who stole what was supposed to be the only thing that's theirs, and theirs alone. Their boyfriend. They proably would have sat for a while yes. Then gotten all jealous and done something stupid.
I'd like to think that after all the things I been through I have a more peaceful resolve.
You see, I strongly believe that the heart has a mind of its own. Sometimes it may even makes decisions for us. And when you cry to the heart it does listen, sometimes with a capacity far greater than the human mind. And while sitting and thinking I also listened to my heart. I didn't ask myself what does she have that I don't" or "why does he love her more than me" In fact the question itself had no why nor what involved. It was simply: Does she make him happy.
My answer to this question
I'm black, but I'm totally and only attracted to guys of other races. I feel horrible about not being attracted to my own kind but I can't help it. Maybe its just an attraction to something different...Maybe even exciting. I hope it passes over. I feel like a traitor.