I don't think
I don't think college is for me. All my senses, all my reasonings tell me to go through the motions, do what I need to do to graduate, go to grad school, get a respectable job, make alot of money and support the family I don't even have yet. I suppose deep down somewhere a part of me wants this too, wants to lead the normal life.
I'm enlisting in the Marine Crops. I feel the call in my heart and in my soul and I know that I don't want to live someone else's life. I'm still going to try to stay in college, but what happens will happen. I hope my girlfriend loves me enough to understand for I love her more than breath.
I'm sorry mom and dad. I will make you proud in a different way.
this past summer
this past summer i went on a cruise to Alaska. there was this incredibly good looking guy on board. but i was too scared to talk to him. after months have passed i still think about him. this is the first time i've ever regretted not having the guts to say something.
My girl friend
My girl friend keeps refering to me as "little man" or "peanuts." We have been dating for almost two years now, and I cannot take it anymore. I cannot bear to even look at peanuts no more.
i'm so tired
i'm so tired of waiting for 'the one' to come along... aren't you? =(
I can't handle
I can't handle life. That's a fact. I dislike it how life tends to be unfair, but at the same time since we're human we may never understand God's way. Our minds are so limited and we're so narrow-minded so why do we question things that will just make us more mad or sad? We're just stubborn and selfish people. That seriously sucks. I wish so badly that things of this world could change, but change doesn't just happen, it begins in the people first. Everyone hurts, everyone feels sorrow, everyone feels joy, so why do we act like we're the only ones that go through certain situations when there is always someone else out there that's in a more worse condition than us? I dislike it how just living in the U.S./cali sheltered me and put this comfortable living on my life. Though its a blessing it's hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and just pray with a pure and genuine heart for those that need it or want to feel God's true
love and never feel empty again.
Even though I sometimes say I hate people or even church, I still love them because I kno no one is perfect. So to love people or someone I hate is something that I gain 10x more than loving someone that loves me back.
i constantly dwell
i constantly dwell on my poor actions, the past, and any other problems that i have. It keeps me up late at night, and i cant sleep. i try to talk to friends, but i feel alone still. i dont know what to do anymore and its hurting my grades, and affecting my perspective on life...and i'm just going crazy. i feel like i'm going to break down and cry.
i've been really
i've been really depressed for a long time. I'm really unhappy about my life right now. I miss my friends who somehow drifted apart. I'm always stressed out about school. I'm stressed out about my parents and their financial issues. I just want to be able to take charge and fix things for myself so badly but I just cant do this alone. Things have fallen apart, and I don't know how i'm supposed to move on.
My roomate is
My roomate is falling for my high school sweetheart. It feels like she's invading my territory. I'm feeling really jealous even though i know i should just stand back.
I'm in love
I'm in love with my best friend, who is also my neighbor??? It's a double edged sword...If I'm close to him, I feel the pain of him not loving me like that, and if I lose him, I feel lost??? I am a very optimistic person, but in this case I just wonder...Why did I even meet him? I'm being distant till I can figure something out???
I am rather
I am rather compulsive about school and taking too much classwork. It is often in a selfish or vain context and the pressure is too much from people, parents, but... most of all myself. I do think I lack the focus to really achieve what I am set out to do, that is, complete a double major in three short years, and as such I am always going to be unsatisfied with my work. It is already half way over and I don't know what to make of things.
Music is a nice excape, but there are many things I have sacrificed for this goal: a job, my own wellbeing, friendships, a relationship perhaps, and at times my own happiness and simple routine. But at any rate my priorities are all out of place, school, exercise, relaxation, lovelife, parents and family, it's a mixed jumble and I hardly see how I get anything done. Not to mention for all this I am rather lonely, and perhaps I think my life is empty because of this grind. That is all...
I broke up
I broke up with my significant other few weeks ago because he was giving me such a hard time... we decided to remain friends, but after we broke up, i found out so many things about him that i didn't know; and obviously i didn't like wat i heard.. in fact, they grossed me out and made me not even want to talk to him anymore...
the drama here is that right before we broke up, i was introduced to one of his good friends.. and even after we broke up, the guy and I kept talking and all, as if I were still going out with my ex...
and few days ago, he tells me that he has feelings for me... that he wants to comfort me and be there for me.. and the truth is, I like this guy as well...
so now im stuck.. debating whether to go for it or just stop... cuz i know if we started seeing each other, my ex is gonna make things really hard for him and he's gonna be in a tricky situation... *sigh*
i don't like
i don't like my parents fighting. it's rather disappointing that i'm not sad by it but annoyed.
I flirt with
I flirt with guys I'm not interested because I think its funny that they make themselves look stupid trying to get me. I know its horrible, but I don't care that I'm hurting their feelings.
when i see
when i see little babies riding in shopping carts at the super market. I stare them down and taunt them.
i enjoy making babies cry
I'm thinking of
I'm thinking of taking a break from school and moving 2 hours away for a boy. I know that if I move there we'll hook up 'cuz the only thing that's stopping us from being together is the distance. I like him a whole lot and we really do connect on certain levels, but I also know that he's not THE ONE, and I can't see us being together in the long run. But I just kind of want to have fun for now, not worry about school for awhile, and be a crazy 20 year old while I still can.
i feel worthless,
i feel worthless, i feel like my life is worthless, and the saddest part is that i couldn't care less. i hear about death, disease, starvation, the death of someone i know, but i couldn't care less. i've moved over 10 times, but each time i have to switch places and friends i just ignore my previous friends like they don't exist, and they might as well not exist because i don't care about them anymore.
All i can do to make this emptiness and disappointment in myself go away is hang out with my friends, play video games, watch TV, read a book, etc. i enjoy myself while i'm doing these things, but when they end and i am left alone, i feel emptiness again, almost as though nothing happened. this is the reason i feel worthlessness. not because i have done something wrong, but because i have done nothing at all.
i try to make myself feel like my life has value. i work out, go to class, volunteer, and countless other things, but i still feel like it all means nothing. part of the problem is dreams. i dream of what i want to be, but dreams don't mean anything. dreams are worthless if they can't be fulfilled, and perhaps i expect too much out of myself. perhaps i expect my life to be greater than it really could be at this age (20), but i feel like it should be more than this boredom.
i would like to give my life value so i can feel like i am accomplishing something, but i don't know what there is that is worth doing. i look around; i talk to people; i hate them for doing more than me. for being so stupid and doing more than me. but most of all, i hate them for not being like me; for not realizing how little their lives mean. but i guess it's selfish to want people as miserable as me just so i feel less alone.
in the end, all i have is misery. all i have are comforts that are momentary. people talk about americans living for instant gratification, but that isn't what i live for. i live for instant amnesia. for moments of happiness that make me forget just how miserable i was and will be once i am alone again.
i have so
i have so much anger, but i don't know towards what. when people do stupid things it annoys me. even tho those stupid things are something that is totally normal. i am at war with myself constantly.
i really fancy a chick but am too afraid to let it show, for i am afriad that our friendship will dull.
i want a relationship, but can't accept one for if i do i am afraid i will miss out my chance with the chick.
procrastination is my
procrastination is my worst vice - i have so much to do but i never do it - i simply do everything else but schoolwork - i judge people a lot and i feel like i am right ninety percent of the time - people who disagree with me are stupid