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  • I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.

  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "wii"

  • What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.

  • The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

  • Me: "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter." Doctor: "I don't follow you."

  • Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

  • I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

  • I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

  • Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

  • What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

  • A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

  • Dad: "Knock Knock" Me: "Who's there?" Dad: "Europe" Me: "Europe Who?" Dad: "No ur a poo hahaha"

  • A horse is a very stable animal.

  • I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

  • The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

  • When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

  • For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

  • I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.

  • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.

  • What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

  • Steak puns...they're a rare-medium, well done.

  • I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

  • I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.

  • I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.

  • Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

  • A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

  • I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.

  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

  • Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.

  • "Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?" It's about two hours.

  • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

  • Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

  • Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner. Me: Why? Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!

  • I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

  • Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

  • How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

  • What's brown and sticky? A stick.

  • "I hate oyings." "What is an oying?" "This joke."

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.

  • My sea sickness comes in waves.

  • I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.

  • What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

  • People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

  • Without geometry life is pointless.

  • "My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

  • Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.


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