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  • What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

  • Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

  • Dad: what are you drinking, son? Me: Soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.

  • Velcro? What a rip-off.

  • You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!

  • "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."

  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

  • Conjunctivitis - A site for sore eyes.

  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.

  • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

  • What do you call an alligator who wears a vest? An investigator.

  • I invented a new type of broom. It's sweeping the nation.

  • A bug hits the windshield while driving. Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

  • The rotation of earth really makes my day.

  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

  • I went to a movie about cheese. It was G-Rated.

  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

  • How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

  • When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

  • Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

  • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

  • Why was 3 afraid of 2? Because it killed every one.

  • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

  • A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

  • What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison

  • The number of people saying 'boo!" to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year...That's a frightening statistic.

  • How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

  • Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into a lens grinder and made a a spectacle of himself?

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

  • What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

  • Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.

  • I have kleptomania...but when it gets bad I take something for it.

  • Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

  • How do snails fight? They slug it out.

  • A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

  • Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

  • Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.

  • I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a rap really.

  • What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

  • I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.

  • Can February March? No, But April May.

  • A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm. Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash? Duck: Put it on my bill.

  • I heard there was a new store called moderation. They have everything in there.

  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It was just a Fanta sea.

  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orcha-stra.

  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


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