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  Dad Jokes

  • Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

  • What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

  • Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.

  • All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.

  • The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

  • If a pig loses it's voice is it disgruntled?

  • Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  • I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.

  • A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  • It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.

  • My wife swallowed a typewriter. Now he's suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
    "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  • Why can't your nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.

  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    "Does this taste funny to you?"

  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

  • The bicyclist would ride 30 miles every morning, and 30 more every evening. He was into recycling.

  • I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

  • A broken pencil is pointless.

  • Dad: "Do you socks have holes in them?" Me: "No" Dad: "Then how do you get your fit in?"


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