- Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
- What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
- Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.
- All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.
- The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
- If a pig loses it's voice is it disgruntled?
- Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.
- A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.
- My wife swallowed a typewriter. Now he's suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
- How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
- Why can't your nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
- The bicyclist would ride 30 miles every morning, and 30 more every evening. He was into recycling.
- I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
- A broken pencil is pointless.
- Dad: "Do you socks have holes in them?" Me: "No" Dad: "Then how do you get your fit in?"