Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. (Quote by - Frank Howard Clark)

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. (Quote by - Clive James)

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. (Quote by - William Castle)

Murphy was an optimist. (Quote by - O'Toole's Commentary)

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at (Quote by - Similar)

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' (Quote by - Jack Handey)

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. (Quote by - Song title by Jimmy Buffet)

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolve and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? (Quote by - Nigel Rees)

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. (Quote by - eo Rosten)

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. (Quote by - Colin Sautar)

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at. (Quote by - Walt Kelly)

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. (Quote by - Saul Bellow)

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. (Quote by - Charles Schulz)

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. (Quote by - Conan O'Brien)

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. (Quote by - Edward Albee)

When humor goes, there goes civilization. (Quote by - Erma Bombeck)

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?" (Quote by - Annie Dillard)

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes. (Quote by - William Davis)

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. (Quote by - Thomas W Higginson)

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England! (Quote by - Dan Castellaneta)