1: I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.
2: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
3: I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "wii"
4: What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.
5: The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
6: Me: "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter." Doctor: "I don't follow you."
7: Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
8: I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.
9: I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
10: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
11: I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
12: What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
13: A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
14: Dad: "Knock Knock" Me: "Who's there?" Dad: "Europe" Me: "Europe Who?" Dad: "No ur a poo hahaha"
15: A horse is a very stable animal.
16: I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.
17: The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.
18: When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
19: For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
20: I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.
21: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.
22: What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
23: Steak puns...they're a rare-medium, well done.
24: I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
25: I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.
26: I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.
27: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
28: A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.
29: I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.
30: How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
31: Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.
32: "Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?" It's about two hours.
33: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
34: Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
35: Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner. Me: Why? Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!
36: I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
37: Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.
38: How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
39: What's brown and sticky? A stick.
40: "I hate oyings." "What is an oying?" "This joke."
41: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.
42: My sea sickness comes in waves.
43: I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.
44: What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
45: People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
46: Without geometry life is pointless.
47: "My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"
48: Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
49: No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.
50: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
51: What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
52: Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
53: Dad: what are you drinking, son? Me: Soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.
54: Velcro? What a rip-off.
55: You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
56: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!
57: "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."
58: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
59: Conjunctivitis - A site for sore eyes.
60: How do you organize a space party? You planet.
61: A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
62: What do you call an alligator who wears a vest? An investigator.
63: I invented a new type of broom. It's sweeping the nation.
64: A bug hits the windshield while driving. Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.
65: I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
66: The rotation of earth really makes my day.
67: Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
68: I went to a movie about cheese. It was G-Rated.
69: I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
70: How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.
71: When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
72: Whiteboards ... are remarkable.
73: What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
74: Why was 3 afraid of 2? Because it killed every one.
75: I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
76: A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
77: What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison
78: The number of people saying 'boo!" to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year...That's a frightening statistic.
79: How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
80: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into a lens grinder and made a a spectacle of himself?
81: What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
82: Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
83: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
84: Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.
85: I have kleptomania...but when it gets bad I take something for it.
86: Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
87: How do snails fight? They slug it out.
88: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
89: What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
90: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
91: Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.
92: I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a rap really.
93: What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
94: I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.
95: Can February March? No, But April May.
96: A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm. Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash? Duck: Put it on my bill.
97: I heard there was a new store called moderation. They have everything in there.
98: I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It was just a Fanta sea.
99: What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orcha-stra.
100: How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
101: Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
102: What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
103: Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.
104: All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.
105: The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
106: If a pig loses it's voice is it disgruntled?
107: Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
108: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
109: I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.
110: A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
111: A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
112: It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.
113: My wife swallowed a typewriter. Now he's suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
114: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
115: How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
116: A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
117: Why can't your nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.
118: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
119: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
120: A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
121: The bicyclist would ride 30 miles every morning, and 30 more every evening. He was into recycling.
122: I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
123: A broken pencil is pointless.
124: Dad: "Do you socks have holes in them?" Me: "No" Dad: "Then how do you get your fit in?"