A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car
shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car,
the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor
removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS
nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

 

At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were
discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. 

"I can't stand it sometimes. We treat people for cancer, and then they die
of AIDS".

"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and
it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".

"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we
treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."

 

An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for
being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a
person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be
President?"

Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the
chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the
difference."

Did you hear about the optician who fell into a lense grinder and made a
spectacle of himself?

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to
retrieve my son's rat." Richard Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of
San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an
attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son
left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As
usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my
motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a
string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck
a match, thinking the light might attract him."

 

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had
happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot
out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It
also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent
out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken
nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam
wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The
surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back
in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got
done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to
the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm.

 

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam
returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down
at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John,
kicking goals.

 

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam
put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve
hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry,
John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The surgeon said,
"Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

 

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to
help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit
over there and I'll deal with you later."

Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...
"You've got a broken finger!"

 

A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"

He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was
one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know
existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've
changed my will three times in the last two months."

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.

 

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.

 

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.

 

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.

 

street?
They were arch enemies.

 

As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or
shortness of cash?"

 

My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a
little buggy.

 

When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know the end is
in sight.