1: What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers.
2: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights.
3: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
4: How did the beaver get online?
He logged on.
5: Where do you find giant snails?
On the ends of giants' fingers.
6: What time does a tennis player get up?
Ten-ish
7: What time does a dentist get up?
Tooth hurty
8: Why did the Jedi cross the road?
To get to the Dark Side.
9: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
10: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
11: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
The space bar!
12: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
13: What subject is a witch good at in school?
Spelling.
14: Why do people work as bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
15: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A minnie van.
16: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Ferry tales.
17: How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten-tickles.
18: Where are otters from?
Otter Space
19: If you had 5 oranges in one hand and 5 pears in the other hand, what would you have?
Massive hands.
20: What does corn say when it feels embarrassed?
"Aw, shucks!"
21: Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tired.
22: What time does a shark get up?
Ate
23: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
24: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Hi Cliff.
25: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
26: What do firemen put in their soup?
Fire crackers!
27: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he was having trouble eating at a Chinese restaurant?
"Use the fork, Luke."
28: What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
29: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
30: What do you call a snowman with a sun tan?
A puddle.
31: What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?
Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
32: How much does it cost a pirate to get earrings?
A buccaneer.
33: What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
34: What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
35: What time do twins get up?
Two
36: Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?
Don't worry, it's only a load of rubbish.
37: What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
38: Did you hear the story about the skunk?
Never mind, it stinks.
39: Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.
40: What do you get from nervous cows?
Milk shakes.
41: Where do cucumbers go for a date?
The salad bar.
42: How do you make a handkerchief dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
43: What game do elephants play in a Volkswagen?
Squash.
44: What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy.
45: How do you stop a snake from striking?
Pay it decent wages.
46: Why was the mushroom invited to lots of parties?
Because he was a fungi to be with.
47: Why are pirates called pirates?
'cause they arrr!
48: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something.
49: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it's over your head.
50: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A Gummy Bear.
51: What do you call a bear with no ear?
A B.
52: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
53: Why did the teddy bear not eat his breakfast?
Because he was already stuffed.
54: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
55: What kind of rocks are never found in the ocean?
Dry ones.
56: What do you give a dog for a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
57: What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
58: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
59: What time does a shark get up?
Ate
60: What does a dentist call his x-rays?
Tooth-pics.
61: Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 7 ate 9.
62: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
63: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
64: What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail, of course.
65: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
66: How can a leopard change his spots?
By moving.
67: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
Cellar-y.
68: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at "C".
69: Who went into the bear's cave and came out alive?
The bear.
70: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
Yeah, he pasta way.
71: What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?
Where's pop corn?
72: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup".
73: Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
74: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
Ruff.
75: What do you call a baby whale?
A little squirt.
76: What's a bagel that can fly?
a plain bagel
77: Where was Solomon's temple?
On his head.
78: What do ghosts like for dessert?
I scream.
79: Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
80: Two waves had a race. Who won?
They tide.
81: What kind of meat doesn't stand up?
Lean meat.
82: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
83: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
84: What's black & white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
85: What did one leaf say to another?
See you next fall.
86: Which vegetable can't you take on a boat?
Leeks.
87: What 3 inventions help man up in the world?
The elevator, the ladder and the alarm clock
88: Who has friends for lunch?
A cannibal.
89: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
90: Why was the piano on the porch?
Because he forgot his keys.
91: What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
92: What kind of paper can you tear?
Terrible (tearable) paper.
93: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming trunks.
94: Where did the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
95: What is the only food that they serve on planes?
Plain food, of course.
96: Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years.
97: How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
98: What did the digital clock say to it's mom?
Look ma, No hands.
99: Why were the Grecian scientists so large?
They discovered pi.
100: Why does your sister jump up and down before taking her medicine?
Because the label says: Shake well before using!
101: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor.
102: How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
103: What did the leopard say in the shower?
That really hits the spot.
104: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look flushed.
105: What is a table you can eat?
A vegetable.
106: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
107: Where do baby trees go to school?
To a tree nursery.
108: How did the farmer mend his pants?
With cabbage patches.
109: What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?
I apologize, I am a little horse.
110: What pet is always found on the floor?
A carpet.
111: Where were potatoes first fried?
In Greece.
112: What is a tornado's favorite game?
Twister!
113: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate.
114: What is a kayaker's favorite kind of lettuce?
Row-maine.
115: How do you file a nail?
Under the letter N.
116: What is the different between a piano and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.
117: How do you make a lemon drop?
Hold it and then let go.
118: How do you repair a broken tomato?
Tomato Paste.
119: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
120: What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key.
121: Where did the one-legged man work?
I-Hop.
122: Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
123: Why was the man running around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
124: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
125: How many rubber ducks can you put in an empty bathtub?
One, after that the tub is no longer empty.
126: How does Jack Frost travel?
By icicle.
127: How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
128: What happens when you throw a black cat in the red sea?
It gets wet.
129: What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course.
130: Where do baby apes sleep?
In APEricots.
131: Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
132: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
133: Why is History like a fruit cake?
Because it's full of dates!
134: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it was not peeling well.
135: What is Dracula's favourite food?
Neck-tarines.
136: What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
Some day my prints will come.
137: How long should a slipper be?
One foot.
138: Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
139: What state has a friendly greeting for everyone?
Ohio.
140: What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?
Time to get it fixed.
141: What would you call a beautiful cat?
A glamour puss.
142: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match
143: What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A Slipper.
144: What food are you able to can?
Cannibal food.
145: What did the mayonaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
Close the door I am dressing.
146: What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
147: When is a chair like a fabric?
When it is satin.
148: What can you serve but never eat?
A volleyball.
149: Why doesn't a bald man need any keys?
Because he doesn't have any locks.
150: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Its easier than walking.
151: Why did Batman go to the pet shop?
To buy a Robin.
152: What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
153: What the same size and shape of an elephant and weighs nothing?
His shadow.
154: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
155: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
156: When is a door not a door?
When its ajar.
157: What kind of animal tells little white lies?
An amphibian.
158: What kind of apple isn't an apple?
A pineapple.
159: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because the referee called foul.
160: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
161: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A taxi driver.
162: When is the moon heaviest?
When it is full.
163: How does a baby ghost cry?
"Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!"
164: How does a broom act?
With sweeping gestures.
165: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
166: Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got sick of the hole business
167: How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
168: What do you call a bear with no socks or shoes?
Barefoot.
169: How do you make seven an even number?
Take the s out.
170: Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers.
171: Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
172: Were you long in the hospital?
No, I was the same size I am now.
173: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
174: What's brown and sticky?
a stick
175: Why did the rooster cross the road?
Cuz it was the chicken's day off.
176: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
With a bee bee gun.
177: Which state has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini-Soda.
178: What kind of bird is like a letter?
A jaybird.
179: What's full of holes and still holds water?
A sponge?
180: How do you stop a charging bull?
Take away his credit card.
181: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
Are you my mother?
182: Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because each player raises a racquet.
183: What bird can be heard at mealtimes?
A swallow.
184: What gives milk and has one horn?
A milk truck.
185: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
186: What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones.
187: Why is the letter "G" scary?
It turns a host into a ghost.
188: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
Lettuce get together.
189: How do you know when there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling!
190: What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
A teapot.
191: Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field
192: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
193: What did one ball say to the other ball?
Nothing - he just looked round
194: Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
195: What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
196: What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
197: How do you keep your hair dry in the shower?
Don't turn the water on.
198: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
199: Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
200: Where do polar bears put their money?
In snow banks.
201: How does a skeleton call his friends?
On a telebone!
202: What kind of cattle laugh?
Laughingstock.
203: How does the teacher read schoolwork?
With her pupils.
204: What is the saddest bird?
A blue jay.
205: Why does a hummingbird hum?
It doesn't know the words.
206: What is the most valuable fish?
Goldfish.
207: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of school.
208: What horses keep late hours?
Nightmares.
209: What do you get if you cross a chicken and a poodle?
Pooched eggs.
210: What is a sleeping bag?
A knapsack.
211: Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because nobody else will do it for them.
212: What do wooden whales eat?
Plankton.
213: Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go.
214: What is a very hard subject?
The study of rocks.
215: What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
216: Why did the cat cross the road?
To get away from the dog.
217: What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends.
218: Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all of his uncles were ants.
219: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
220: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
221: What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
222: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam.
223: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
224: What is a lifeguard's favorite game?
Pool.
225: How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
226: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we will go places!
227: When do kangaroos celebrate their birthdays?
On a leap year.
228: What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailer.
229: What happens when a robber bungles a robbery in a paint store?
The police catch him red handed.
230: What do you get when you throw all the books in the world in the ocean?
A title wave.
231: What happened to the boy who drank 8 Cokes?
He burped 7-Up.
232: What runs but can't walk?
The faucet.
233: What is the science of shopping?
Biology (buy-ology).
234: Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
To the moooovies.
235: What day do potatos hate the most?
Fry-day.
236: What dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump.
237: Why can't jungle animals take a test?
Too many cheetahs.
238: What kind of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
239: What did the ceiling say to the wall?
Meet you in the corner.
240: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish ?
Swimming trunks.
241: Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
242: What kind of music does a mountain like?
Rock music.
243: What is a bunny's favorite music?
Hip hop.
244: Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
245: What is a balloon's least favorite kind of music?
Pop.
246: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
247: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
248: Where did the oshrtich go and get a new tail?
The Re-tail store!
249: A cowboy rode into town on Friday stayed for 3 days and left on Friday. How did he do it?
His horse's name was Friday.
250: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES.
251: Why did the pilgrim's pants keep falling down?
Because their belt was on their hat!
252: What do fish have on their birthday?
Fish cakes.
253: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
254: Why is a snail the strongest animal?
Because it can carry it's house on it's back!
255: What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud (or an udder failure).
256: Why don't vampires like mosquitoes?
Too much competition.
257: Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language.
258: What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears.
259: Why did the ram run over the cliff?
Answer: He didn't see the ewe turn.
260: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says "Spit out your gum" and the train says "Choo! Choo!"
261: What do you call an oyster that won't share?
A selfish shellfish.
262: Why were the apple and orange alone?
Because the banana split.
263: Why did the fox cross the road?
To get the chicken.
264: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
He wanted to see time fly.
265: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
266: Why aren't bananas ever lonely?
Because they come in bunches.
267: What do you call an angry pea?
Grump-pea.
268: What did they say to the man who went for a job at the print shop?
Sorry, you're not the right type.
269: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.
270: What is an archaeologist?
Someone who's career is in ruins.
271: Did you hear the one about the fox with no ears?
He didn't either.
272: Where did the sheep go for a haircut?
To the baaah ber.
273: What is a zombie's least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
274: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.
275: Which month do soldiers hate most?
The month of March.
276: Why did the dog cross the road?
To chase the cat on the other side.
277: Where was tennis invented?
In Tennessee.
278: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
279: Why did the child study in the airplane?
He wanted a higher education!
280: Why was the broom late?
It over swept.
281: What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean.
282: What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish.
283: What do you get when you cross a book with an egg??
A yolk book.
284: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
285: What do you do when your nose is on strike?
Picket.
286: What did the plate say to the other plate?
"Foods on me tonight!"
287: Where do Hamsters live ?
In Hamsterdam.
288: What do you call a dancing sheep?
a baaaallarina.
289: Why shouldnt you play poker in the jungle?
There's too many cheetahs.
290: Why did the squirrel cross the road?
Because he went nuts.
291: What's a horses favorite drink?
Lemon-neighed.
292: When do you stop at green and go at red?
When you're eating a watermelon.
293: Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide.
294: Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
295: What is a navy officer's favourite fruit?
Naval oranges.
296: What is invisible and smells like bananas?
A monkey fart.
297: What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail.
298: What did the fly say when it flew into a window?
If I had more guts I'd do that again.
299: What did the hammer say to the piece of wood?
We nailed that one.
300: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
Because he wanted to work over-time.
301: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
302: Where do pencils come from?
Pencil-vania.
303: Where does Superman get the kind of food he needs to make him strong?
At the supermarket.
304: When does the letter Z come before the letter A?
In the word "ZebrA".
305: How did the frog cross the road?
He tied himself to the chicken.
306: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea. And if it also has no legs? Still no idea.
307: Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants to the golf match?
In case he got a hole in one.
308: What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
309: How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
310: What kind of building has the most stories?
The library.
311: Why did the cow wear a bell?
Because its horns don't work.
312: What is the difference between a bird and fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
313: On what kind of ships do students study?
Scholarships.
314: What do cows say when they want someone to move?
Moooove over.
315: Why did fruit punch and cereal box?
Because they were having a food fight.
316: Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he
was a light sleeper.
317: Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything.
318: What kind of teacher doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.
319: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
320: If you were in a candy shop and you were about to die what kind of candy would you get?
A life saver.
321: why does the Mississippi river see so well?
Because it has five "i"'s.
322: Why do witches fly brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
323: Why did the snail cross the road?
I'll tell you when he gets there.
324: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
325: How do goldfish go into business?
They start on a small scale.
326: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.
327: Why are four legged animals so bad at dancing?
Because they have two left feet.
328: April showers bring mayflowers, then what do mayflowers bring?
Pilgrims.
329: Why was Cinderalla so bad at soccer?
Because she ran away from the ball.
330: Where does bad light go?
To prism.
331: How does a witch tell time?
With a witch watch.
332: What comes after a monkey?
It's tail.
333: What goes up when the rain comes down?
An umbrella.
334: Why did the skeleton go to the barbeque?
Because he wanted some spare ribs.
335: Why is the ocean so friendly?
Because it gives big waves.
336: What color is a burp?
Burple.
337: How do you make a band stand?
Take away their chairs.
338: What did the left ear say to the right ear?
Between us, we have brains.
339: What's smaller than an ant's mouth?
An ant's dinner.
340: Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because he already had a thousand degrees.
341: How does a bear test its bath water?
With its bear (bare) feet.
342: What grows up while growing down?
A goose.
343: Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place?
They said it was a grizzly accident.
344: What kind of music does a mummy sing in the shower?
Wrap.
345: Why was the pencil crying?
Because he was pointless.
346: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
I can't tell you because you will spread it.
347: What do you call an annoying vampire?
A pain in the neck.
348: How do eels taste?
Shocking.
349: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
350: What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?
It let out a little wine.
351: What is fastest, hot or cold?
Hot, you can catch a cold.
352: Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
The meat ball.
353: What goes "ha, ha, plop"?
Someone laughing their head off.
354: What goes "boo hoo, splat"?
Someone crying their eyes out.
355: Why did the balloon burst?
Because it saw the lollypop.
356: What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow.
357: Why did the boy eat his homework?
The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
358: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
359: What has four legs but can't run?
A table.
360: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.
361: What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved.
362: Why shouldn't you go outside if it's raining cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle!
363: What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
364: How many words are in The English Dictionary?
Three.
365: What are two things you can't have for lunch?
Breakfast and dinner.
366: Why did the computer need glasses?
To fix his web sight.
367: What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
368: What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
369: Did you hear the story about the really messy bed?
Of course not, it hasn't been made yet.
370: What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes undercover.
371: Why does lightning shock people?
Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
372: What do bumblebees put in the bathtub first?
Their bee-hinds.
373: Did you hear the story about the ceiling?
I'm afraid it's over your head.
374: Did you hear the story about the unsharpened pencil?
There's really no point to it.
375: Why was the belt arrested?
Because it held up the pants.
Kids Jokes: 