I wrote a few children's books. not on purpose. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. (Quote by - Spike Milligan)

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. (Quote by - George Burns)

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. (Quote by - Jackie Mason)

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I installed a skylight in my apartment. the people who live above me are furious. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is. (Quote by - Paul Merton)

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. (Quote by - George Burns)

Women should be obscene and not heard. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. (Quote by - George Burns)

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

At my age flowers scare me. (Quote by - George Burns)

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. (Quote by - George Carlin)

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle. (Quote by - Woody Allen)