I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. (Quote by - Jay Leno)

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. perhaps you've seen it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. (Quote by - Charlie Brown)

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. (Quote by - George Burns)

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. (Quote by - George Burns)

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

We seek our friend not sacredly, but with an adulterate passion which would appropriate him to ourselves. (Quote by - Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. (Quote by - Dave Barry)