I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. (Quote by - Steve Martin)

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. (Quote by - Emo Philips)

I had to stop driving my car for a while. the tires got dizzy. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. (Quote by - Ellen DeGeneris)

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

What's all this I hear about 'Endangered Feces'? What? That's 'Endangered Species'? Never mind. (Quote by - Emily Latella)

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. (Quote by - George Burns)

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. (Quote by - Woody Allen)