For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. (Quote by - George Burns)

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. (Quote by - Henry Youngman)

If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussei s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. (Quote by - George Carlin)

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. (Quote by - Carol Leifer)

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. (Quote by - Gilda Radner)

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. (Quote by - Johnny Carson)

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. (Quote by - Wil Shriner)

Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music,and the dancers knock each other down. (Quote by - Paulette Sedgwick)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Quote by - Rita Rudner)

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I invented the cordless extension cord. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. (Quote by - George Carlin)

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. (Quote by - Eric Morecambe)

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. (Quote by - Woody Allen)