I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. (Quote by - George Burns)

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. (Quote by - George Carlin)

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. you can't hear him talk. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something. (Quote by - George Burns)

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, Look, it's always gonna be me! (Quote by - Rita Rudner)

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

Room service? Send up a larger room. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Quote by - Jerry Seinfeld)

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. (Quote by - George Burns)

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, Because I'm your father. (Quote by - Dave George)