Funny Words of Wisdom
Funny Words of Wisdom =========================  To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.  The other line always moves faster.  Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.  If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.  If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.  A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.  If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.  A short cut is the longest distance between two points.  The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.  Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.  Murphy Was an Optimist........  When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.  Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.  When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.  If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the heck is going on.  You will always find something in the last place you look.  No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.  Leakproof seals - will.  There is always one more bug.  In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.  If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.  If if jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.  A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.  You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.  Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.  Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure.  The first myth of management is that it exists.  New systems generate new problems.  Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.  The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.  After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.  A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.  The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.  A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.  If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.  Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.  Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.  You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.  A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.  Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.  The only perfect science is hind-sight.  When all else fails, read the instructions.  Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.  The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.  Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.  Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.  The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.  Nothing ever gets built on schedule.  A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

A story behind a gun
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"