Tests Before Having Children
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:
 Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!

How To Annoy People In An Elevator
How To Annoy People In An Elevator ===================================== Meow or bark occasionally.Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.Greet everyone who comes in the elevator with a big handshake.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action.Recite poetry to everyone you meet.Lean against the button panel.Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them.Scream the floor number as you pass it.Floss your teethBring a portable DVD player and watch your favorite movie with the volume on highStare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."Start a sing-a-long.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.Drop a bag of groceries and look around like it was the other peoples fault.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say "Hey Greg, How's your day been?"Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.Grab a pillow and attempt to fall asleepMake race car noises when anyone gets on or off.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.Shadow box.Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.Face the corner and don’t moveDemand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."Call a girl a dude.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"Call out, "Group Hug!" & then enforce it.Whenever someone steps in the elevator in a deep voice say, "GET OUT!"Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.Sing the 99 bottles of beer song.Pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's ok! Don't panic, they will open again!"Swat at flies that aren't there.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.Break dance to elevator music.Have a fake obnoxious cell phone conversationPretend you're invisibleLay out a small blanket and some food to have a picnicMurmur and/or talk to yourselfDraw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"One word: Flatulence!Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Play the harmonica.When the elevator dings, scream.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it is getting larger!"Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"Pick your ear wax.Scratch your head excessivelyWalk on making dinosaur noises and nudge people with your nose.Say “ding” every time you reach a new floorPut powdered sugar in your hair and scratch your head a lot.Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.Sell Girl Scout cookies.Leave a box between the doors.Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream "NOOO THAT'S MINE!"Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."Tie bells to all your clothes.Sing really off pitch to a popular song.Set up a chair and desk in the elevator, and whenever anyone gets on, say, "Hello! Welcome to my office. Do you have an appointment?"Sway from side to side the whole ride.Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.Blow spit-bubbles.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!"Rock back and forth while sucking on your thumbFake cough/sneeze uncontrollablyCall McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.When you get to your floor try and open the doors yourself and act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.Bring a chair along.Ask people what gender they are.Moan "Oh no! Not now! Damn motion sickness!"Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again.Insist to a stranger that you're relatedOffer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.Drum on every available surface.Act drunk.Do Tai Chi exercises.