Silly Dictionary
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.Avoidable uh-avoy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Burglarize ur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.Eclipse i-klips': What an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.Heroes hee'-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.Left Bank left' bangk': What the robber did after his bag was full of
loot.Misty miss'-tee: How golfers create divots.Paradox par'-of-docks: Two physicians.Parasites par'-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.Polarize po'-lur-ize: What penguins see with.Primate pri'-mate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.Relief
ee-leaf': What trees do in the spring.Rubberneck
ub'-er-nek: What you do to relax your wife.Seamstress seem'-stress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.Selfish sel'-fish: What the owner of a seafood store does.Subdued some-dood': Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like,
submarines, man.Sudafed soo'-da-fed: Bringing litigation against a government official.
A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.