A DIET QUIZ
If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Actual Business Signs In USA
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."