Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as alanguage to be taught in all Southern schools.  Here are excerpts from theHickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun.  Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. 
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. 
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." 

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" 

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" 

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Funny News Headlines
Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesWeight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts CupcakesOne-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of StrangersJuvenile Court To Try Shooting DefendantRally Against Apathy Draws Small CrowdBig Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day NoticeMidget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling RemarksSlowdown Continues To AccelerateMan Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsFish Needs Water, Feds SayGuy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing DoneMortuary Adds Drive-ThroughCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWinners Of Drunk Driving Contest AnnouncedAuthorities Pursue Man Running With ScissorsCows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices DropHomeless Man Under House ArrestMiners Refuse to Work after DeathThree Ambulances Take Blast Victim To HospitalAnts Take A Long Time To Cook In MicrowaveMayor Parris To Homeless: Go HomeAuthor Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax EvasionOnce-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full DumpsFederal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find WeaponsGirl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and PhoneState Population To Double By 2040; Babies To BlameMan Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupMeeting On Open Meetings Is ClosedCaskets Found As Workers Demolish MausoleumLocal Child Wins Gun From FundraiserHemorrhoids Inspire Respectful HindsightNo Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading VictimUtah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take PoisonKids Make Nutritious SnacksBugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying BugsStudents Cook & Serve GrandparentsCat Called For Jury DutyFlorida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggetsPolice Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersWorker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His HeadLocal High School Dropouts Cut in Half Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or DeclineHomicide Victims Rarely Talk To PoliceAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftPolice Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At WalmartThreat Disrupts Plan To Meet About ThreatsCounty To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of FundsMeat Head ResignsTeacher Dies; Board Accepts His ResignationTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadState Prisons Replace Easy-Open LocksAlton Attorney Accidentally Sues HimselfMan Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!Federal Openness Workshop Closed To PublicWoman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For NapLow Pay Reason For Poverty, Study SaysMan Eats Underwear To Beat BreathalyzerStabbing Disrupts Class For Anger ManagementDrunk Driver Claims Dog Was DrivingPigs Die As House Are Blown DownRecall Me MaybeBridges Help People Cross RiversPsychics Predict World Didn't End YesterdayClose Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive WomenMan Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Safety Meeting Ends In AccidentSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysCity Wants Dead To Pay For CleanupWoman Attacks Man With Bowl of SpaghettiWaterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In FoodMurderer Says Detective Ruined His ReputationMadonna Reads Her 2nd BookMan Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In PantsVolunteers Search For Old Civil War PlanesWar Dims Hope for PeaceKenya Believe It?City Unsure Why The Sewer SmellsMost Earthquake Damage Is Caused By ShakingWrite-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School BoardIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileSewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To DrinkBritish People Prefer Facebook To ToiletsCourt Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime