A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop...
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "

How To Annoy People In An Elevator
How To Annoy People In An Elevator ===================================== Meow or bark occasionally.Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.Greet everyone who comes in the elevator with a big handshake.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action.Recite poetry to everyone you meet.Lean against the button panel.Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them.Scream the floor number as you pass it.Floss your teethBring a portable DVD player and watch your favorite movie with the volume on highStare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."Start a sing-a-long.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.Drop a bag of groceries and look around like it was the other peoples fault.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say "Hey Greg, How's your day been?"Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.Grab a pillow and attempt to fall asleepMake race car noises when anyone gets on or off.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.Shadow box.Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.Face the corner and don’t moveDemand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."Call a girl a dude.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"Call out, "Group Hug!" & then enforce it.Whenever someone steps in the elevator in a deep voice say, "GET OUT!"Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.Sing the 99 bottles of beer song.Pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's ok! Don't panic, they will open again!"Swat at flies that aren't there.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.Break dance to elevator music.Have a fake obnoxious cell phone conversationPretend you're invisibleLay out a small blanket and some food to have a picnicMurmur and/or talk to yourselfDraw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"One word: Flatulence!Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Play the harmonica.When the elevator dings, scream.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it is getting larger!"Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"Pick your ear wax.Scratch your head excessivelyWalk on making dinosaur noises and nudge people with your nose.Say “ding” every time you reach a new floorPut powdered sugar in your hair and scratch your head a lot.Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.Sell Girl Scout cookies.Leave a box between the doors.Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream "NOOO THAT'S MINE!"Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."Tie bells to all your clothes.Sing really off pitch to a popular song.Set up a chair and desk in the elevator, and whenever anyone gets on, say, "Hello! Welcome to my office. Do you have an appointment?"Sway from side to side the whole ride.Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.Blow spit-bubbles.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!"Rock back and forth while sucking on your thumbFake cough/sneeze uncontrollablyCall McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.When you get to your floor try and open the doors yourself and act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.Bring a chair along.Ask people what gender they are.Moan "Oh no! Not now! Damn motion sickness!"Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again.Insist to a stranger that you're relatedOffer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.Drum on every available surface.Act drunk.Do Tai Chi exercises.