A Redneck Christmas
A Redneck Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard there came such a noise
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they just let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; he could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus up on the roof, darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; they was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus and he’s brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin’ and a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and old Joe!”
“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you’ll make Santy fall!”

The dogs kept a-barkin’ and wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, and threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn’t care.
He was busy lookin’ at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:

“Go check on yer Maw, make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her could-a hurt just a might.”
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; it looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Merry Christmas to you!

Real Estate Ads Translated
Real Estate Ads Translated ============================  Enormous potential: Enormous amount of work to do.Low maintenance lot – No yard; the kids will have to play in the streetClose to school: close to vandals.Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.Above ground pool: Piece of leaky plastic filled with water.Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.Mint: Someone spilled mouthwash on carpet.1 car garage – You can drive your car into the garage but there is no room to open the doorPicturesque setting: Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds in neighboring lots.Seasonal creek – Muddy ditch across the propertyAbsolute water frontage: Gets flooded out every ten years.Bedroom in basement – Basement has a 1′ by 2′ window.Desirable neighborhood – This little house is extravagantly overpriced because the neighborhood has a snobbish reputationWide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.Ready to move in – the interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint.Motivated sellers – Bank is about to foreclose.Close to public transportation: Beneath railway line.Territorial view – Good view of your neighbor’s bedroom windowDelightful cottage: Garden is overgrown.Executive style living: Has a spa.Country in the city – A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I.Prime location: Next to a factory.Newly remodeled kitchen – 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.Stunning house – The house is not ugly.Leafy aspects: Trees block your view.Investment Opportunity: Needs a lot of money spent to fix it up.Lower-level family room: Ping-pong table over sewer opening.Move-in condition: Front door missing.Short walk to shops: 5 minute walk to shops. Minutes to shops: 10 minute walk to shops. Handy to shops: Nowhere near shops.Usable land – All the trees are gone.Must see inside – the outside is ugly.Old World Charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.Situated in rapidly progressing area: In the sticks.Contemporary Feeling: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.Three season sunroom – A small addition the owner did not have enough money to insulate.Tudor – Two bedrooms are in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter.Easy walking distance too ____: Two miles from ____.Developers take note: The house is falling down.Near transportation – Amtrak train goes through the backyard, every 15 minutes, day and night.Wildlife nearby – Children and pets get ticks and fleas.Ready to remodel – the house is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in.Brand new: 1 year old. New: 3 years old. As new: 6 years old. Modern: 10 years old. Solid: 15 yeas old. Cottage: 25 years old. Full of character: 50 years old.Easy to heat – See “cozy”.Nothing to spend: After buying you'll have nothing left to spend.Upper Bracket: If you have to ask...Includes all the things that make a house a home: Has an indoor toilet.Easy freeway access – Noisy arterial street close to freewayWill not last at this price: Will not sell at this price.Light, open spaces: Many holes in walls.Sophisticated City Living: Next to noisy bar.Neighborhood watch – Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your houseClose to lakes: Impossible to park on the street from April to October.Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.Partially renovated: Owner gave up on a hopeless case.Security system: Neighbor has dogHandyman's delight: The roof is about to collapse.Doll-house – Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.Beautifully presented: The lawn has been mowed.Land suitable for a pole home: On a cliff.Cape Cod – Styled after Third World slum dwellings.Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."Tasteful: Carpeted.Sunny corner lot – Noisy intersection of two busy streetsConvenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.Suit young kids: You can allow kids to run wild, nothing worth protecting from damage.Not much mowing: No land.Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."Close to all amenities – The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.Potential is immeasurable: Present value is minimal.Retirement special: A good home to die in.Pet friendly neighborhood – Organic matter constantly deposited in the front lawnA rare find: Rare to find a house built like this still standing.Magnificent aspects: On a hill.Cozy – Not a single room could fit a full size bed.Loads of character: Bizarre.Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."Needs TLC - Major structural damage.You'll Love It: No, you won't.Recreation room with wet bar – Basement has been painted and has a faucet.Prestige surrounds: All the other houses in the street are nicer.Executive home: Overpriced.Storybook – The house is old and the roof is not flatMeticulously maintained in the original condition – The appliances are 50 years oldLots of storage space – Basement too small to be called a family room.Inner city living at its best: Close to muggers.Build sweat equity – The house is not inhabitableGenerous built-ins: Has cupboards.Country living – Too far from anywhere to drive to work.Old charmer – An old and ugly house.Efficiently designed kitchen – The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same timeSought after location: Frequently broken into.Large family room – Large basement.Just available – Previous owner just died on the premises.Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.