A parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

Real Estate Ads Translated
Real Estate Ads Translated ============================  Enormous potential: Enormous amount of work to do.Low maintenance lot – No yard; the kids will have to play in the streetClose to school: close to vandals.Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.Above ground pool: Piece of leaky plastic filled with water.Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.Mint: Someone spilled mouthwash on carpet.1 car garage – You can drive your car into the garage but there is no room to open the doorPicturesque setting: Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds in neighboring lots.Seasonal creek – Muddy ditch across the propertyAbsolute water frontage: Gets flooded out every ten years.Bedroom in basement – Basement has a 1′ by 2′ window.Desirable neighborhood – This little house is extravagantly overpriced because the neighborhood has a snobbish reputationWide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.Ready to move in – the interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint.Motivated sellers – Bank is about to foreclose.Close to public transportation: Beneath railway line.Territorial view – Good view of your neighbor’s bedroom windowDelightful cottage: Garden is overgrown.Executive style living: Has a spa.Country in the city – A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I.Prime location: Next to a factory.Newly remodeled kitchen – 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.Stunning house – The house is not ugly.Leafy aspects: Trees block your view.Investment Opportunity: Needs a lot of money spent to fix it up.Lower-level family room: Ping-pong table over sewer opening.Move-in condition: Front door missing.Short walk to shops: 5 minute walk to shops. Minutes to shops: 10 minute walk to shops. Handy to shops: Nowhere near shops.Usable land – All the trees are gone.Must see inside – the outside is ugly.Old World Charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.Situated in rapidly progressing area: In the sticks.Contemporary Feeling: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.Three season sunroom – A small addition the owner did not have enough money to insulate.Tudor – Two bedrooms are in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter.Easy walking distance too ____: Two miles from ____.Developers take note: The house is falling down.Near transportation – Amtrak train goes through the backyard, every 15 minutes, day and night.Wildlife nearby – Children and pets get ticks and fleas.Ready to remodel – the house is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in.Brand new: 1 year old. New: 3 years old. As new: 6 years old. Modern: 10 years old. Solid: 15 yeas old. Cottage: 25 years old. Full of character: 50 years old.Easy to heat – See “cozy”.Nothing to spend: After buying you'll have nothing left to spend.Upper Bracket: If you have to ask...Includes all the things that make a house a home: Has an indoor toilet.Easy freeway access – Noisy arterial street close to freewayWill not last at this price: Will not sell at this price.Light, open spaces: Many holes in walls.Sophisticated City Living: Next to noisy bar.Neighborhood watch – Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your houseClose to lakes: Impossible to park on the street from April to October.Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.Partially renovated: Owner gave up on a hopeless case.Security system: Neighbor has dogHandyman's delight: The roof is about to collapse.Doll-house – Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.Beautifully presented: The lawn has been mowed.Land suitable for a pole home: On a cliff.Cape Cod – Styled after Third World slum dwellings.Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."Tasteful: Carpeted.Sunny corner lot – Noisy intersection of two busy streetsConvenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.Suit young kids: You can allow kids to run wild, nothing worth protecting from damage.Not much mowing: No land.Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."Close to all amenities – The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.Potential is immeasurable: Present value is minimal.Retirement special: A good home to die in.Pet friendly neighborhood – Organic matter constantly deposited in the front lawnA rare find: Rare to find a house built like this still standing.Magnificent aspects: On a hill.Cozy – Not a single room could fit a full size bed.Loads of character: Bizarre.Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."Needs TLC - Major structural damage.You'll Love It: No, you won't.Recreation room with wet bar – Basement has been painted and has a faucet.Prestige surrounds: All the other houses in the street are nicer.Executive home: Overpriced.Storybook – The house is old and the roof is not flatMeticulously maintained in the original condition – The appliances are 50 years oldLots of storage space – Basement too small to be called a family room.Inner city living at its best: Close to muggers.Build sweat equity – The house is not inhabitableGenerous built-ins: Has cupboards.Country living – Too far from anywhere to drive to work.Old charmer – An old and ugly house.Efficiently designed kitchen – The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same timeSought after location: Frequently broken into.Large family room – Large basement.Just available – Previous owner just died on the premises.Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.