A man was leaving church one day...
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

Silly Dictionary
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-avoy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize ur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': What the robber did after his bag was full of
loot.

Misty miss'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-of-docks: Two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: What penguins see with.

Primate pri'-mate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ee-leaf': What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck ub'-er-nek: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish sel'-fish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued some-dood': Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like,
submarines, man.

Sudafed soo'-da-fed: Bringing litigation against a government official.