Silly Puns

Silly Puns
====================

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
 A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra .  Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.  Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz. Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired. What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself. Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Without geometry, life is pointless I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.  What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
 A backwards poet writes inverse.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead giveaway)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.  All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.  I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.  Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.  Velcro - what a rip off! Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Cannibals like to meat people.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.  I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .  Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.  What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.  How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics. Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
 I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
A duck walks into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick. The clerk asks, "Will that be cash or credit?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill." Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What did the guitar say to the musician? "Pick on someone your own size!"
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
A horse is a very stable animal.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!"
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you want to make money as a comedian you have to have the cents of humor.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Why did the little boy sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than "A" bra
Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
What color is a belch? Burple.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Male deer have buck teeth.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
 There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

How To Annoy Unwanted Roommates
How To Annoy Unwanted Roommates ================================Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.Whenever he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why....". Repeat everything your roommate says.Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.Talk while pretending to be asleep.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.Sit and stare at them while they are doing some other task. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave. Mumbling to yourself helps as well.Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.Cut the faces out of all your pictures.When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.Cultivate a lisp. Claim it's an accent.Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.Listen to radio static.Say everything in Pig Latin.Get some pets - preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird.If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.Clip ads out of Soldier of Fortune and Weaponmaster Quarterly.Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.Hide a bunch of potato chips and Twinkies in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash, find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that he reimburse you.Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.Let mice loose in his/her room.Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."Talk. A lot.Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with yours.Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.Learn to play an accordion.Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.Build a creepy shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of.Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."Smile. All the time.Mention that you spent some years as a student revolutionary hiding in Canada. Stop. Look over your shoulder.Leave apple cores on his/her bed.Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.Drink directly from the bottles/containers rather than using a glass.Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.Keep the room temperature at a level that only you can be comfortable with, i.e., 65 F in the wintertime or below.Call him/her Mommy.Praise The Computer. Call your roommate "citizen" and ask him if he is happy. Every five minutes.Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.Wish your roommate "Happy small reptile day". Everyday.Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.Make your finger talk to you.Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out and then scream.Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.Dress in drag.Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.Watch nothing but Japanese animation. Sing along (in Japanese) to the soundtracks.Answer everything with, "Why?"Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."Always flush the toilet three times.Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.Twitch a lot.Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.Walk and talk backwards.Remove your door. Replace it with a bead hanging or an animal hide.Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.Throw your dirty clothes on THEIR bed.Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.If they ever put sticky notes saying "Don't eat" or "Don't drink" on the food and beverages, make sure you eat the immediately then claim you didn't notice the note.Constantly wear their good clothes.Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.Walk like an Egyptian.Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.Hide road kill under their bed.Completely over-decorate for the holidays. Make sure to place a really obnoxious decoration on the coffee table so that it clearly blocks view of the television. Also get a bunch of noise makers so that you can't move around the house/apartment without three going off at a time. Bitterly complain when nobody helps you take the decorations down.Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.Every time one of his friends walks into the room, scan them with a tricorder.Use a bible as Kleenex.Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.Hoard the glasses. When your roommate leaves the room, at any time, and if only for a second, take the glass and place it in the dishwasher. If they confront you, tell them you thought it was a dirty, dirty glass and that they can get a new one out of the cupboard -- if they go to get another glass, ask them to start the dishwasher while they're over there.Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."Claim to your friends (in the presence of your roommate) that you once learned how to diagnose psychological diseases by simply looking at people. Walk up to your roommate and whisper in his ear that the Mayo Clinic is only four hours away by air.Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."When someone is in the bathroom, about to take a shower or just using the toilet, knock on the door extremely hard, shout extremely loud saying you gotta pee really bad and basically do everything you can to get them out of there. Do this every time they use the bathroom.Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for several weeks.Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck.Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.Hide your dirty dishes under their bed.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.Turn off the microwave when they're using it and put your own food in, claiming "It'll only be for a minute", then put it on for half an hour.Stick post-its of reminders all around the house.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.Have an invisible friend. Say you are giving him the silent treatment.Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.Wear scary Halloween masks.Dye all your underwear lime green.Speak in tongues.Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.Hide laxatives in all their food and hoard all the toilet paper.Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."Burn incense.Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he owns to the ceiling.Skip to the bathroom.Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him of stealing them.Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.Groom yourself like a cat.Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.Take karate lessons. Insist on practicing the screams and moves in the room.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."Put masking tape on the windows in occult patterns.Switch the sheets on your beds while he is at class.Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")Use a watergun for a TV remote control.Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.Disconnect the Internet when you think your roommates really need it or when you feel like it. Also institute stupid firewall policies that block them from Twitter, Facebook, other common services. Or as an alternative, get your own personal laptop and load your roommates' computer with plenty of advertisement-displaying software.Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.Shave one eyebrow.Put a combination lock on the fridge.Write backwards on the walls.Eat all of roommate's food in fridge or off his/her platePlay hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.Refer to yourself in the royal third person.Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed.Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.Steal all of your roommate's pens.Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."Instead of taking your garbage out to the curb, leave it by the backdoor and yell at them when they don't take it out to the curb -- after all, you did all the hard work.Unplug everything in the room.Do impressions all the time, like of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jerry Seinfeld.Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence.Meditate in a kimono in the living room when your roommate has guests.Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.Accidentally fill the shampoo bottle with hair dye.Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.Cry a lot.Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.Start a post-it note collection. When complete, wallpaper the entire dorm room with it.Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.Play violent games with imaginary friends.Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.Array thirteen candles of different colors and sizes on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.Never flush the toilet.Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battle station.When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.Hide under their bed.Vacuum the carpets in the middle of the night.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.Wear a silly hat.