A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
A Woman's Seminars
New Summer Seminars for Women
The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
Life Beyond Shoes
Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way