A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.

Real Estate Ads Translated
Real Estate Ads Translated ============================  Enormous potential: Enormous amount of work to do.Low maintenance lot – No yard; the kids will have to play in the streetClose to school: close to vandals.Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.Above ground pool: Piece of leaky plastic filled with water.Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.Mint: Someone spilled mouthwash on carpet.1 car garage – You can drive your car into the garage but there is no room to open the doorPicturesque setting: Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds in neighboring lots.Seasonal creek – Muddy ditch across the propertyAbsolute water frontage: Gets flooded out every ten years.Bedroom in basement – Basement has a 1′ by 2′ window.Desirable neighborhood – This little house is extravagantly overpriced because the neighborhood has a snobbish reputationWide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.Ready to move in – the interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint.Motivated sellers – Bank is about to foreclose.Close to public transportation: Beneath railway line.Territorial view – Good view of your neighbor’s bedroom windowDelightful cottage: Garden is overgrown.Executive style living: Has a spa.Country in the city – A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I.Prime location: Next to a factory.Newly remodeled kitchen – 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.Stunning house – The house is not ugly.Leafy aspects: Trees block your view.Investment Opportunity: Needs a lot of money spent to fix it up.Lower-level family room: Ping-pong table over sewer opening.Move-in condition: Front door missing.Short walk to shops: 5 minute walk to shops. Minutes to shops: 10 minute walk to shops. Handy to shops: Nowhere near shops.Usable land – All the trees are gone.Must see inside – the outside is ugly.Old World Charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.Situated in rapidly progressing area: In the sticks.Contemporary Feeling: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.Three season sunroom – A small addition the owner did not have enough money to insulate.Tudor – Two bedrooms are in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter.Easy walking distance too ____: Two miles from ____.Developers take note: The house is falling down.Near transportation – Amtrak train goes through the backyard, every 15 minutes, day and night.Wildlife nearby – Children and pets get ticks and fleas.Ready to remodel – the house is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in.Brand new: 1 year old. New: 3 years old. As new: 6 years old. Modern: 10 years old. Solid: 15 yeas old. Cottage: 25 years old. Full of character: 50 years old.Easy to heat – See “cozy”.Nothing to spend: After buying you'll have nothing left to spend.Upper Bracket: If you have to ask...Includes all the things that make a house a home: Has an indoor toilet.Easy freeway access – Noisy arterial street close to freewayWill not last at this price: Will not sell at this price.Light, open spaces: Many holes in walls.Sophisticated City Living: Next to noisy bar.Neighborhood watch – Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your houseClose to lakes: Impossible to park on the street from April to October.Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.Partially renovated: Owner gave up on a hopeless case.Security system: Neighbor has dogHandyman's delight: The roof is about to collapse.Doll-house – Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.Beautifully presented: The lawn has been mowed.Land suitable for a pole home: On a cliff.Cape Cod – Styled after Third World slum dwellings.Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."Tasteful: Carpeted.Sunny corner lot – Noisy intersection of two busy streetsConvenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.Suit young kids: You can allow kids to run wild, nothing worth protecting from damage.Not much mowing: No land.Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."Close to all amenities – The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.Potential is immeasurable: Present value is minimal.Retirement special: A good home to die in.Pet friendly neighborhood – Organic matter constantly deposited in the front lawnA rare find: Rare to find a house built like this still standing.Magnificent aspects: On a hill.Cozy – Not a single room could fit a full size bed.Loads of character: Bizarre.Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."Needs TLC - Major structural damage.You'll Love It: No, you won't.Recreation room with wet bar – Basement has been painted and has a faucet.Prestige surrounds: All the other houses in the street are nicer.Executive home: Overpriced.Storybook – The house is old and the roof is not flatMeticulously maintained in the original condition – The appliances are 50 years oldLots of storage space – Basement too small to be called a family room.Inner city living at its best: Close to muggers.Build sweat equity – The house is not inhabitableGenerous built-ins: Has cupboards.Country living – Too far from anywhere to drive to work.Old charmer – An old and ugly house.Efficiently designed kitchen – The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same timeSought after location: Frequently broken into.Large family room – Large basement.Just available – Previous owner just died on the premises.Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.