A parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

How To Annoy People In An Elevator
How To Annoy People In An Elevator ===================================== Meow or bark occasionally.Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.Greet everyone who comes in the elevator with a big handshake.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action.Recite poetry to everyone you meet.Lean against the button panel.Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them.Scream the floor number as you pass it.Floss your teethBring a portable DVD player and watch your favorite movie with the volume on highStare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."Start a sing-a-long.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.Drop a bag of groceries and look around like it was the other peoples fault.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say "Hey Greg, How's your day been?"Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.Grab a pillow and attempt to fall asleepMake race car noises when anyone gets on or off.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.Shadow box.Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.Face the corner and don’t moveDemand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."Call a girl a dude.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"Call out, "Group Hug!" & then enforce it.Whenever someone steps in the elevator in a deep voice say, "GET OUT!"Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.Sing the 99 bottles of beer song.Pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's ok! Don't panic, they will open again!"Swat at flies that aren't there.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.Break dance to elevator music.Have a fake obnoxious cell phone conversationPretend you're invisibleLay out a small blanket and some food to have a picnicMurmur and/or talk to yourselfDraw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"One word: Flatulence!Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Play the harmonica.When the elevator dings, scream.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it is getting larger!"Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"Pick your ear wax.Scratch your head excessivelyWalk on making dinosaur noises and nudge people with your nose.Say “ding” every time you reach a new floorPut powdered sugar in your hair and scratch your head a lot.Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.Sell Girl Scout cookies.Leave a box between the doors.Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream "NOOO THAT'S MINE!"Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."Tie bells to all your clothes.Sing really off pitch to a popular song.Set up a chair and desk in the elevator, and whenever anyone gets on, say, "Hello! Welcome to my office. Do you have an appointment?"Sway from side to side the whole ride.Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.Blow spit-bubbles.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!"Rock back and forth while sucking on your thumbFake cough/sneeze uncontrollablyCall McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.When you get to your floor try and open the doors yourself and act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.Bring a chair along.Ask people what gender they are.Moan "Oh no! Not now! Damn motion sickness!"Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again.Insist to a stranger that you're relatedOffer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.Drum on every available surface.Act drunk.Do Tai Chi exercises.