The Passing of an Old Friend
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around  in my early years but less and less as time passed by.  Today I  read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in  remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many  generations.
 
Obituary
Common Sense 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has  been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was  since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as  knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the  worm, life isn't always fair , and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies  (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies  (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to  deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing  regulations were set in place. Teens suspended from  school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for  reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for  doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their  unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required  to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a  Band-Aid to a student, but could not  inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have  an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten  Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and  criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense  took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in  your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman  failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.  She  spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge  settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his  parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter,  Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three  stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a  Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few  realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.   If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

Ball Rolling
Three men were waiting at Heaven's gates. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."
She says to the first two guys, "I lied."