Funny News Headlines
Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesWeight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts CupcakesOne-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of StrangersJuvenile Court To Try Shooting DefendantRally Against Apathy Draws Small CrowdBig Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day NoticeMidget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling RemarksSlowdown Continues To AccelerateMan Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsFish Needs Water, Feds SayGuy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing DoneMortuary Adds Drive-ThroughCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWinners Of Drunk Driving Contest AnnouncedAuthorities Pursue Man Running With ScissorsCows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices DropHomeless Man Under House ArrestMiners Refuse to Work after DeathThree Ambulances Take Blast Victim To HospitalAnts Take A Long Time To Cook In MicrowaveMayor Parris To Homeless: Go HomeAuthor Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax EvasionOnce-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full DumpsFederal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find WeaponsGirl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and PhoneState Population To Double By 2040; Babies To BlameMan Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupMeeting On Open Meetings Is ClosedCaskets Found As Workers Demolish MausoleumLocal Child Wins Gun From FundraiserHemorrhoids Inspire Respectful HindsightNo Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading VictimUtah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take PoisonKids Make Nutritious SnacksBugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying BugsStudents Cook & Serve GrandparentsCat Called For Jury DutyFlorida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggetsPolice Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersWorker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His HeadLocal High School Dropouts Cut in Half Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or DeclineHomicide Victims Rarely Talk To PoliceAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftPolice Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At WalmartThreat Disrupts Plan To Meet About ThreatsCounty To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of FundsMeat Head ResignsTeacher Dies; Board Accepts His ResignationTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadState Prisons Replace Easy-Open LocksAlton Attorney Accidentally Sues HimselfMan Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!Federal Openness Workshop Closed To PublicWoman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For NapLow Pay Reason For Poverty, Study SaysMan Eats Underwear To Beat BreathalyzerStabbing Disrupts Class For Anger ManagementDrunk Driver Claims Dog Was DrivingPigs Die As House Are Blown DownRecall Me MaybeBridges Help People Cross RiversPsychics Predict World Didn't End YesterdayClose Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive WomenMan Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Safety Meeting Ends In AccidentSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysCity Wants Dead To Pay For CleanupWoman Attacks Man With Bowl of SpaghettiWaterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In FoodMurderer Says Detective Ruined His ReputationMadonna Reads Her 2nd BookMan Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In PantsVolunteers Search For Old Civil War PlanesWar Dims Hope for PeaceKenya Believe It?City Unsure Why The Sewer SmellsMost Earthquake Damage Is Caused By ShakingWrite-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School BoardIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileSewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To DrinkBritish People Prefer Facebook To ToiletsCourt Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime

How To Annoy People In An Elevator
How To Annoy People In An Elevator ===================================== Meow or bark occasionally.Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.Greet everyone who comes in the elevator with a big handshake.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action.Recite poetry to everyone you meet.Lean against the button panel.Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them.Scream the floor number as you pass it.Floss your teethBring a portable DVD player and watch your favorite movie with the volume on highStare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."Start a sing-a-long.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.Drop a bag of groceries and look around like it was the other peoples fault.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say "Hey Greg, How's your day been?"Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.Grab a pillow and attempt to fall asleepMake race car noises when anyone gets on or off.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.Shadow box.Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.Face the corner and don’t moveDemand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."Call a girl a dude.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"Call out, "Group Hug!" & then enforce it.Whenever someone steps in the elevator in a deep voice say, "GET OUT!"Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.Sing the 99 bottles of beer song.Pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's ok! Don't panic, they will open again!"Swat at flies that aren't there.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.Break dance to elevator music.Have a fake obnoxious cell phone conversationPretend you're invisibleLay out a small blanket and some food to have a picnicMurmur and/or talk to yourselfDraw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"One word: Flatulence!Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Play the harmonica.When the elevator dings, scream.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it is getting larger!"Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"Pick your ear wax.Scratch your head excessivelyWalk on making dinosaur noises and nudge people with your nose.Say “ding” every time you reach a new floorPut powdered sugar in your hair and scratch your head a lot.Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.Sell Girl Scout cookies.Leave a box between the doors.Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream "NOOO THAT'S MINE!"Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."Tie bells to all your clothes.Sing really off pitch to a popular song.Set up a chair and desk in the elevator, and whenever anyone gets on, say, "Hello! Welcome to my office. Do you have an appointment?"Sway from side to side the whole ride.Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.Blow spit-bubbles.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!"Rock back and forth while sucking on your thumbFake cough/sneeze uncontrollablyCall McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.When you get to your floor try and open the doors yourself and act embarrassed when they open by themselves.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.Bring a chair along.Ask people what gender they are.Moan "Oh no! Not now! Damn motion sickness!"Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again.Insist to a stranger that you're relatedOffer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.Drum on every available surface.Act drunk.Do Tai Chi exercises.