An offense
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Silly Puns

Silly Puns
====================

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
 A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra .  Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.  Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz. Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired. What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself. Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Without geometry, life is pointless I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.  What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
 A backwards poet writes inverse.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead giveaway)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.  All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.  I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.  Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.  Velcro - what a rip off! Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Cannibals like to meat people.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.  I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .  Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.  What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.  How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics. Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
 I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
A duck walks into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick. The clerk asks, "Will that be cash or credit?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill." Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What did the guitar say to the musician? "Pick on someone your own size!"
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
A horse is a very stable animal.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!"
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you want to make money as a comedian you have to have the cents of humor.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Why did the little boy sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than "A" bra
Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
What color is a belch? Burple.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Male deer have buck teeth.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
 There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.