Real Estate Ads Translated
Real Estate Ads Translated ============================  Enormous potential: Enormous amount of work to do.Low maintenance lot – No yard; the kids will have to play in the streetClose to school: close to vandals.Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.Above ground pool: Piece of leaky plastic filled with water.Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.Mint: Someone spilled mouthwash on carpet.1 car garage – You can drive your car into the garage but there is no room to open the doorPicturesque setting: Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds in neighboring lots.Seasonal creek – Muddy ditch across the propertyAbsolute water frontage: Gets flooded out every ten years.Bedroom in basement – Basement has a 1′ by 2′ window.Desirable neighborhood – This little house is extravagantly overpriced because the neighborhood has a snobbish reputationWide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.Ready to move in – the interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint.Motivated sellers – Bank is about to foreclose.Close to public transportation: Beneath railway line.Territorial view – Good view of your neighbor’s bedroom windowDelightful cottage: Garden is overgrown.Executive style living: Has a spa.Country in the city – A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I.Prime location: Next to a factory.Newly remodeled kitchen – 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.Stunning house – The house is not ugly.Leafy aspects: Trees block your view.Investment Opportunity: Needs a lot of money spent to fix it up.Lower-level family room: Ping-pong table over sewer opening.Move-in condition: Front door missing.Short walk to shops: 5 minute walk to shops. Minutes to shops: 10 minute walk to shops. Handy to shops: Nowhere near shops.Usable land – All the trees are gone.Must see inside – the outside is ugly.Old World Charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.Situated in rapidly progressing area: In the sticks.Contemporary Feeling: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.Three season sunroom – A small addition the owner did not have enough money to insulate.Tudor – Two bedrooms are in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter.Easy walking distance too ____: Two miles from ____.Developers take note: The house is falling down.Near transportation – Amtrak train goes through the backyard, every 15 minutes, day and night.Wildlife nearby – Children and pets get ticks and fleas.Ready to remodel – the house is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in.Brand new: 1 year old. New: 3 years old. As new: 6 years old. Modern: 10 years old. Solid: 15 yeas old. Cottage: 25 years old. Full of character: 50 years old.Easy to heat – See “cozy”.Nothing to spend: After buying you'll have nothing left to spend.Upper Bracket: If you have to ask...Includes all the things that make a house a home: Has an indoor toilet.Easy freeway access – Noisy arterial street close to freewayWill not last at this price: Will not sell at this price.Light, open spaces: Many holes in walls.Sophisticated City Living: Next to noisy bar.Neighborhood watch – Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your houseClose to lakes: Impossible to park on the street from April to October.Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.Partially renovated: Owner gave up on a hopeless case.Security system: Neighbor has dogHandyman's delight: The roof is about to collapse.Doll-house – Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.Beautifully presented: The lawn has been mowed.Land suitable for a pole home: On a cliff.Cape Cod – Styled after Third World slum dwellings.Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."Tasteful: Carpeted.Sunny corner lot – Noisy intersection of two busy streetsConvenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.Suit young kids: You can allow kids to run wild, nothing worth protecting from damage.Not much mowing: No land.Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."Close to all amenities – The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.Potential is immeasurable: Present value is minimal.Retirement special: A good home to die in.Pet friendly neighborhood – Organic matter constantly deposited in the front lawnA rare find: Rare to find a house built like this still standing.Magnificent aspects: On a hill.Cozy – Not a single room could fit a full size bed.Loads of character: Bizarre.Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."Needs TLC - Major structural damage.You'll Love It: No, you won't.Recreation room with wet bar – Basement has been painted and has a faucet.Prestige surrounds: All the other houses in the street are nicer.Executive home: Overpriced.Storybook – The house is old and the roof is not flatMeticulously maintained in the original condition – The appliances are 50 years oldLots of storage space – Basement too small to be called a family room.Inner city living at its best: Close to muggers.Build sweat equity – The house is not inhabitableGenerous built-ins: Has cupboards.Country living – Too far from anywhere to drive to work.Old charmer – An old and ugly house.Efficiently designed kitchen – The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same timeSought after location: Frequently broken into.Large family room – Large basement.Just available – Previous owner just died on the premises.Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.

Boys and Girls
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and
women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the
same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in
the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to
catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and
she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church
an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and
he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the
church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually
messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment
at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and
turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with
Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their
appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their
bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather
lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in
public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively
start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and
almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a
boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake
belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're
too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not
because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a
boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an
early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses
unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk,
they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry
if you turn off the TV after they've watched "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.