Funny Words of Wisdom
Funny Words of Wisdom =========================  To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.  The other line always moves faster.  Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.  If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.  If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.  A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.  If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.  A short cut is the longest distance between two points.  The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.  Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.  Murphy Was an Optimist........  When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.  Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.  When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.  If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the heck is going on.  You will always find something in the last place you look.  No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.  Leakproof seals - will.  There is always one more bug.  In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.  If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.  If if jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.  A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.  You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.  Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.  Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure.  The first myth of management is that it exists.  New systems generate new problems.  Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.  The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.  After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.  A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.  The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.  A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.  If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.  Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.  Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.  You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.  A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.  Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.  The only perfect science is hind-sight.  When all else fails, read the instructions.  Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.  The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.  Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.  Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.  The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.  Nothing ever gets built on schedule.  A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

Billy Gates writes to Santa
Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.

I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, it's why you're number one - who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.

That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates