A man with a pegleg, hook hand and...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird pooped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

An Unusual Prayer
Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during the
dinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a
card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head
and gave thanks.

Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You
Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of
my enemies."