Any Last Words?
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who were going to be shot.
On the day of the executions, they take the Scotsman outside.
"Any last words?", they asked.
He yelled "Earthquake!" and whilst the firing squad were running about in a panic, he climbed the wall and got away.
The Englishman, seeing this, thought he'd try it, so when his turn came.
He shouted "Flood!", and similarly escaped in the ensuing confusion.
The Irishman thought this was a good plan, too so when they asked him for his last words, he yelled "Fire!"
An ounce of brains
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.
It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce.
A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.
And a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
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