Funny News Headlines
Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesWeight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts CupcakesOne-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of StrangersJuvenile Court To Try Shooting DefendantRally Against Apathy Draws Small CrowdBig Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day NoticeMidget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling RemarksSlowdown Continues To AccelerateMan Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsFish Needs Water, Feds SayGuy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing DoneMortuary Adds Drive-ThroughCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWinners Of Drunk Driving Contest AnnouncedAuthorities Pursue Man Running With ScissorsCows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices DropHomeless Man Under House ArrestMiners Refuse to Work after DeathThree Ambulances Take Blast Victim To HospitalAnts Take A Long Time To Cook In MicrowaveMayor Parris To Homeless: Go HomeAuthor Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax EvasionOnce-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full DumpsFederal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find WeaponsGirl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and PhoneState Population To Double By 2040; Babies To BlameMan Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupMeeting On Open Meetings Is ClosedCaskets Found As Workers Demolish MausoleumLocal Child Wins Gun From FundraiserHemorrhoids Inspire Respectful HindsightNo Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading VictimUtah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take PoisonKids Make Nutritious SnacksBugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying BugsStudents Cook & Serve GrandparentsCat Called For Jury DutyFlorida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggetsPolice Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersWorker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His HeadLocal High School Dropouts Cut in Half Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or DeclineHomicide Victims Rarely Talk To PoliceAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftPolice Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At WalmartThreat Disrupts Plan To Meet About ThreatsCounty To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of FundsMeat Head ResignsTeacher Dies; Board Accepts His ResignationTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadState Prisons Replace Easy-Open LocksAlton Attorney Accidentally Sues HimselfMan Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!Federal Openness Workshop Closed To PublicWoman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For NapLow Pay Reason For Poverty, Study SaysMan Eats Underwear To Beat BreathalyzerStabbing Disrupts Class For Anger ManagementDrunk Driver Claims Dog Was DrivingPigs Die As House Are Blown DownRecall Me MaybeBridges Help People Cross RiversPsychics Predict World Didn't End YesterdayClose Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive WomenMan Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Safety Meeting Ends In AccidentSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysCity Wants Dead To Pay For CleanupWoman Attacks Man With Bowl of SpaghettiWaterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In FoodMurderer Says Detective Ruined His ReputationMadonna Reads Her 2nd BookMan Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In PantsVolunteers Search For Old Civil War PlanesWar Dims Hope for PeaceKenya Believe It?City Unsure Why The Sewer SmellsMost Earthquake Damage Is Caused By ShakingWrite-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School BoardIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileSewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To DrinkBritish People Prefer Facebook To ToiletsCourt Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime

A Modest Essay
A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.