A henpecked husband...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He wenthome, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

A man was leaving church one day...
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."