A DIET PRAYER
Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain!
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated

And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
Cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe -- size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.

Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
And of pasta a la Milanese
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

Amen

American University Grading Procedures
American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.