Funny News Headlines
Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesWeight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts CupcakesOne-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of StrangersJuvenile Court To Try Shooting DefendantRally Against Apathy Draws Small CrowdBig Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day NoticeMidget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling RemarksSlowdown Continues To AccelerateMan Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsFish Needs Water, Feds SayGuy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing DoneMortuary Adds Drive-ThroughCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWinners Of Drunk Driving Contest AnnouncedAuthorities Pursue Man Running With ScissorsCows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices DropHomeless Man Under House ArrestMiners Refuse to Work after DeathThree Ambulances Take Blast Victim To HospitalAnts Take A Long Time To Cook In MicrowaveMayor Parris To Homeless: Go HomeAuthor Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax EvasionOnce-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full DumpsFederal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find WeaponsGirl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and PhoneState Population To Double By 2040; Babies To BlameMan Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupMeeting On Open Meetings Is ClosedCaskets Found As Workers Demolish MausoleumLocal Child Wins Gun From FundraiserHemorrhoids Inspire Respectful HindsightNo Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading VictimUtah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take PoisonKids Make Nutritious SnacksBugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying BugsStudents Cook & Serve GrandparentsCat Called For Jury DutyFlorida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggetsPolice Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersWorker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His HeadLocal High School Dropouts Cut in Half Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or DeclineHomicide Victims Rarely Talk To PoliceAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftPolice Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At WalmartThreat Disrupts Plan To Meet About ThreatsCounty To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of FundsMeat Head ResignsTeacher Dies; Board Accepts His ResignationTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadState Prisons Replace Easy-Open LocksAlton Attorney Accidentally Sues HimselfMan Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!Federal Openness Workshop Closed To PublicWoman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For NapLow Pay Reason For Poverty, Study SaysMan Eats Underwear To Beat BreathalyzerStabbing Disrupts Class For Anger ManagementDrunk Driver Claims Dog Was DrivingPigs Die As House Are Blown DownRecall Me MaybeBridges Help People Cross RiversPsychics Predict World Didn't End YesterdayClose Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive WomenMan Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Safety Meeting Ends In AccidentSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysCity Wants Dead To Pay For CleanupWoman Attacks Man With Bowl of SpaghettiWaterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In FoodMurderer Says Detective Ruined His ReputationMadonna Reads Her 2nd BookMan Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In PantsVolunteers Search For Old Civil War PlanesWar Dims Hope for PeaceKenya Believe It?City Unsure Why The Sewer SmellsMost Earthquake Damage Is Caused By ShakingWrite-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School BoardIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileSewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To DrinkBritish People Prefer Facebook To ToiletsCourt Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime

An Internet Christmas
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"