40th Birthday
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She said, "I want a divorce."

He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

After many years of trying to find steady work...
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.