A DIET QUIZ
If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?

* After ordering lunch at a fast food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Business is business
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a smalltown. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a goodanswer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."